Whiter skin for all (especially non-breathers)

Posted by Tim on May 17, 2010 in News | 0 comments

Hello Bloodsuckers,

Being undead in the world today can be a challenging unlife.  Twenty years ago I was satisfied to sleep in my coffin through the day, wear black and drain the neck of young virgins.  I kept myself to myself and went virtually unnoticed.  Then came the TV revolution of Buffy, Angel, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries – and don’t get me started on the Twilight series…

Robert Pattinson also fears sunlight

All of a sudden everyone expects me to be a “type”.  I have to brood and look sexy all the time.  I even have to work out my necrotic muscles because you can only feed by having lengthy and graphic “adult scenes” before a light snack.  Christopher Lee just used to swish his cloak and then fade to black.  Well I may not be able to help with the muscle part – but I can help you to get your skin looking its whitest.

MyCityDeal is bringing the best offers to the brides and grooms of darkness in the form of Dermalogica products.  If you spend £4, you can get £15 worth of products at www.wantthelook.co.uk.  My favourite is the C-12 Concentrate which has Oligopeptide-34, a proprietary peptide that reduces Tyrosinase activity and melanosome transfer to cells.

I’m sure you understood all that, but simply put it reduces discolouration in the skin (such as brown spots, red marks, blood stains and decomposition) to give you an all over smooth finish like an alabaster sacrificial altar.

Buffy scrutinizes Angel's pores

But this offer isn’t only open to vampires and goth wannabes.  Any of you can take advantage of the full range of cleansers, scrubs and moisturisers.  A word of warning though.  There is a section on the website called “Solar Defense”.  For humans, it is a brilliant range of anti-aging creams to fight sun exposure.  My blood sister (Denise d’Anaemia) took the claim literally, and despite slathering herself in “Multivitamin Bodyblock SPF20 (RRP £26.90) she combusted while eating candy floss on Brighton Pier.

Bursting into flames may sound like the most embarrassing skin outbreak a vampire can have – but let me make an admission of my own.  Last summer I was going through something of a mid-afterlife crisis.  I felt fat, old and unattractive.  It was getting harder and harder to entice virgins back to my lair (which is actually a rather nice terrace with a herb garden).  I decided it was time for a change – and what could be more different than…a tan.

Vampire Weekend - not actual vampires

Now obviously a sunbed was out of the question, so I turned into fog, seeped into my housemate’s room and stole a bottle of “Fake-Bake”.  I’d never used any before, so kept rubbing it in, hoping for an instant effect, and don’t forget – I have no reflection, so there’s a lot of guess work involved.  I only realised how “vibrant” my skin had become when I tried to stalk a pretty young thing down a darkened alleyway, and they turned around to ask if I could skulk farther away because the street lamp reflecting off my orange face was hurting their eyes.  I could almost have worked for Virgin Airways.  I went straight home and sat in a bath of bleach for a whole day, which would normally kill a man, but hey, already there.

I hope you get the message – skin care is important, and you deserve the best products for bargain prices (especially if, like me, you find it hard to hold down a job as a window cleaner when you can only work at night).  And now I’m off for Screwdrivers with Robert Pattinson – should I make them with Blood oranges or Neck-tarines?  Mwahaha!  No seriously, I’ll probably just suck on Rob for a while…

Creative Commons images: 1, 2, 3.

Today’s Dermalogica Deal for the UK

(Running till the end of Monday 17th May 2010)

£4 for £15 worth of luxury skincare products by Dermalogica from exclusive beauty website WantTheLook – Save 73%