Last Minute Christmas Shopping – A Survivors Guide

Posted by Cara on Dec 20, 2010 in News | 0 comments

Something weird’s going on outside. Crazed looks have appeared on passing faces. Carrier bags are being used as cruise missiles. Swathes of men are shuffling around shops, staring blankly into the distance mumbling, “I’ll be safe in John Lewis. Just get to John Lewis.”

That’s right folks: it’s Christmas week, which means just five shopping days left before the annual gift gauntlet of December 25th. Four, if you don’t count today.

Gulp.

I find people split into two tribes at this time of year ; the calm, collected, catalogue-browsing-since-March sort with everything already under the tree – and the rest of us. The pale, shaking, monogrammed-hanky grabbing masses who’ve left it to the last minute, desperately scouring the immediate vicinity for anything to gift wrap.

Found yourself seriously considering printer paper as a present? Then you too, my friend, are a Panic Purchaser. This week will not be fun. But whilst you’ve left it late, all is not lost – follow these five simple rules, and you might just avoid being cast out by friends and family come Christmas morning.

Might.

1. Work freebies – keep them in the office
Ah, ram-raiding the work stationary cupboard: a classic symptom of the Panic Purchaser. I mean, your sister’s baby must need a hole-punch, right? Wrong. Wrapping up anything you’ve ‘borrowed’ from work will only make you look cheap, and slightly weird (“Here Nana, have a ringbinder. For all your… rings.”) This includes freebies you’ve been sent yourself – if you didn’t want the mottled paperweight featuring your accountant’s face, chances are your Mum won’t either.

2. Novelty underwear – always a no
Yes, the thong made of sweets/ ‘sexy’ Santa outfit/ Suck-It-And-See pouch (shudder) may seem hilarious now. But try picturing your other half’s face as they open the gift you’re supposed to have spent hours, nay, weeks planning, only to find one of those nestled inside… Still not enough to make you put back the mankini? Try picturing your Dad in one. Yep. We don’t have time to mess around.

3. Gym memberships – a surefire way to find yourself single
Keen to keep your relationship going past the Queen’s Speech? Gym memberships are not the answer. Buying your partner 12 months of pre-paid exercise is an expensive way of saying ‘I lied – you have put on weight’. Throw in bespoke personal training, and you may as well just admit you’re having an affair. If you must, get exercise equipment you can both use at home. It’s less likely to make everyone think you’re a monster.

4. Generic toiletries – approach with caution
The closer it gets to giftmageddon, the stronger the urge to binge at your local Boots. Yes, it’s true that most people on your list will (hopefully) regularly bathe, use deodorant, perhaps even occasionally throw on a special ‘smelly’. But handle this apparent cure-all with care, Panic Purchaser – there’s a reason most bathrooms contain unopened bath salts. Multiple, unopened bath salts. And a note on those ‘smellies’ – do your research first. Nothing says ‘I don’t know you’ like a hastily bought scent. Especially if it’s for the wrong gender.

5. If you’re not sure about it – don’t buy several

A lesson I learnt at a young age, having witnessed the following gift exchange:

Dad: (to Mum) Here you are love. Now, I wasn’t sure about this..
Mum: Oh, a scarf. Thanks. (awkward pause)
Dad: You don’t like it, do you?
(silence)
Dad: Better not open anymore, then.

… Four bejewelled velvet scarves later, mine was almost a broken home. You have been warned.

Photography by Tony3 and bobsrocket